All My Life

Going through the diagnosis stage of Max’s life was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I have to admit I almost lost my faith on multiple occasions. But, it’s in those moments, that define who you really are, and show you the person you’re capable of being.

People tell me stories all the time about mothers who have found out about their child having a certain diagnosis, and how inspiring it was to see them hold their head high, and walk on the bright side of life. I’m not ashamed to say that, in the beginning, that was not me. I look at those types of women, and I’m also in such a state of awe, but that’s all I could be at the time. I wasn’t strong enough to carry that burden then. I was weak, and I was slowly being crushed day by day. But then I realized, they were weak too. We are all weak. I realized they weren’t their own source of strength; they were being fueled by a form of faith that wasn’t them at all.

To be honest, I lied. I am sometimes ashamed to admit I wasn’t the strong and graceful mother I wish I could’ve been in the beginning, but now I’m so much more than I could’ve ever dreamed. I’ve been changed from the inside out. The old me was brought to the ground, to her knees, and when she stood, she was someone completely different. Now, a woman of Christ.

Not the Christian I didn’t even know I was only pretending to be. Today, I think of God everyday. Today, I wake up every morning and thank Him for giving me another day with my son, another day to do right by them both. Today, I think about God throughout every transgression against me, throughout every triumph and obstacle we overcome. Today, God is a bigger part of my life than I ever could’ve imagined he’d be. And what is so sad, is that I never knew how much of Him I was missing in the first place…

Throughout every night spent reviewing the charts I keep, every decision to pack him in the car and go, every visit to the emergency room, every single one of his hospitalizations, I’ve always thought it was me who had been saving Max’s life, but I have only just realized, that it was me who needed saving, and I’ve come to find out, amongst other things, that after all this time, all my life, I’d been waiting for Max to come and save mine.


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