When I first found out, there were no shouts of joy, no urgent phone calls. There was just silence. Alone there in the bathroom of my two bedroom apartment, eyes searing into the two little blue lines, willing them to disappear, willing myself to disappear. Though, I didn’t need a second test, I knew it to be true. We’ve all had our scares, but this was different. I was different. Something.. a feeling.. an awareness, almost.. entangled itself into my being, changing the blueprint of my entire make-up. I was pregnant.
I kept staring at the two little blue lines that would one day turn into angles and curves and consciousness. The feeling that came over me became tangible. I could almost see it in the mirror behind me. White noise shattering the space between me and reality until it felt like the universe was collapsing in on itself, imploding into a beautiful chaotic spectacle before me, and only for me. Little did I know how often I would see that spectacle behind my eyes, which now shed hot tears of absolute fear, fear for so many things. How could I offer this child the world, when mine so frequently felt like it was falling apart at the seams? It took me a long time to finally embrace the pregnancy for what it was, a blessing. Realizing then that I already knew how to sew. How many times had I pieced my life back together into quilts of beautifully painful experience? The fear eventually dissipated, and peace took its place. It wasn’t a slow process, it was a swift and sudden change. I was excited to have this baby. I was excited to give it the world.